Written By Dan D. Lion (Co-host of Mop Shop Podcast)

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A Healthy Suspicion

Since it’s introduction in 2002, I have always feared theworst from the Roomba.  Technological advancements have done so much good for the progression of humanity, but somewhere a line inthe sand must be drawn.  I think it’stime we all become healthy skeptics of the Roomba’s true intentions, and inthis article I calling for us to think critically about avoiding the downfallof mankind as we know it.

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1.     Welcome to Lazy Town

Seriously. How lazy are we going to allow ourselves to get?  It starts with computerized vacuums,but where will it lead to?  How long before we have self-walking shoes that do the walking for us? I’m just saying, it’s a slippery slope to becoming the laziest generation in human existence.  Global obesity is on the rise, and the Roomba is definitely a contributing factor. Think of the calories we aren’t burning from the completion of everyday household chores.

2.     The Fulfillment of the Dyson Prophecy  

During an Egyptian expedition in 1932 American scientists came across a confusing set of hieroglyphics.  These images depicted a futuristic machine mowing over a heard of people, overtaking control of mother gaia. Though rarely referencedin popular culture, this acient warning known as "The Dyson Prophecy" foretold of the end of humanity.  Could it be this doomsday device depicted was Roomba?  Only you can decide for yourself.

3.     The Loss of American Ideals

Like many others of his generation, my grandfatherhad a saying. It went, “Clean up your own damn mess, Susan.”  How far have we fallen from the tree of the greatest generation? How far will we continue to travel?  The minute we decided to allow MACHINES to clean up our messes and small spills was a cosmic step in the opposite direction of American traditions. Sure – it starts small with the invention of the dishwasher, but the Roomba?  Give me a break snowflakes. I don’t know about you folks, but I believe it is our American duty to roll up our sleeves and clean up our own spilled milk.

4.     The Creators of Roomba

Now, I will concede that this theory is a bit of a stretch, but it does have a significant backing on the internet community of Reddit on r/mopspiracies.  Quick question - Has anyone ever actually seen the inventors of Roomba? In today’s day and age it is fairly challenging to fly completely under the radar, yet to date there is not ONE known photograph of the cyborg vacuum’s creators.  Could it be that the Roomba was self-created? Artificially evolved from a pattern of artificial intelligence testing created by the US Government during the 1980’s Operation Microwave?  Until we see further proof, reason stands that we can’t take the Roomba’s creators identity for granted. Which brings me to my fifth and final point.

5.     Remember IROBOT?

Is everyone going to just pretend that this movie didn’t happen?!?  I mean, come on!  Just when everyone thinks Will Smith’s character is over-reacting and unnecessarily prejudice towards the robot kind… BAM! He is completely justified in his suspicion because the robots are trying to overthrow humanity. We should not forget this valuable lesson. I don’t know about you folks, but I’m not waiting until I have to engage in hand to hand combat with a vacuum. That’s why I’m asking everyone to think a little harder before sharing your bed with an aritifically intelligent vacuum.